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To celebrate 30 years of the Premier League, Playmaker decided to do something a little different. Instead of highlighting the usual names, we decided to pick our own unique five-a-side team from the PL era.
From Crazy Keepers to One Season Wonders, our 'Motley Crew' is bursting with personality and talent and - though it would definitely have its off days - we're confident that it would match up well against allcomers.
First off, we turn our attention to the Premier League players you would least like to meet down a dark alley: the Enforcers.
We'll run through 16 names and then cut the field down to a final four...then it's over to you!
While 'Hatchet Men' have definitely had their day, football teams will always need a player or two who can 'mix it' physically and impose themselves on their opposition.
The first piece in our 'Motley Crew' jigsaw, therefore, is our 'Enforcer'.
They come in different shapes and sizes - hotheads, man mountains, silent assassins, bruisers - but this fearsome bunch of Premier League Enforcers are united by one thing: they take no prisoners! Bosh.
It seems apt to kick off with infamous 'Crazy Gang' member Jones given his scything tackle on Steve McMahon in the opening 30 seconds of Wimbledon's famous 1988 FA Cup triumph over Liverpool.
After being snapped up by Wimbledon for £10,000 from non-league Wealdstone, Jones become one of the Premier League's most notorious 'Hard Men', playing up to the hype as often as possible.
From putting the squeeze on a young Paul Gascoigne to getting the fastest booking ever recorded (3 seconds for a foul on Sheffield Utd's Dane Whitehouse, when playing for Chelsea), the former Wales international was an intimidating character and is in the running for our Enforcer role.
Playmaker verdict: A bit of an animal, though there was always an element of showbiz!
In terms of physical stature, there can't have been too many players in Premier League history more imposing than former Leicester City centre-half Huth, who had a touch of Rocky nemesis Ivan Drago about him.
Sometimes terrace chants can give fascinating insights into a player's style and standing - and this admirable effort from Stoke City fans has much to commend it.
Robert Huth Huth Huth,
He's a massive German youth,
Robert Huth Huth Huth,
He'll knock out your tooth,
To the left to the right,
He'll defend with all his might,
He's the best defender in the land,
And he sh*ts on Ferdinand...
A rock during Leicester's fairytale Premier League win in 2015/16, there was no messing with Huth and he's in the equation for our 'Enforcer'.
Playmaker verdict: An absolute unit. Potentially an intensive care unit.
As terror-inspiring nicknames go, De Jong's moniker of 'The Lawnmower' is perhaps not up there with the most chilling...but he was a formidable character who could certainly play.
The former Ajax, Hamburg, Man City and Milan midfielder was a tenacious presence for the Citizens, winning the FA Cup in 2010/11 and the Premier League in 2011/12.
De Jong was also involved in one of the more notorious World Cup tackles of all-time, when he launched a flying kick into Xabi Alonso's chest in the Netherlands' 1-0 extra-time defeat to Spain in the 2010 final.
The Dutchman always had an edge to his game and we've just discovered that Wikipedia also lists 'The Destroyer' as one of his nicknames - that's more like it!
Playmaker verdict: A hell of a footballer...who could turn hellraiser.
Given his nickname by team-mates in homage to boxer Donovan 'Razor' Ruddock, the former Southampton, West Ham and Liverpool centre-back was a big guy and a bigger personality.
Always fond of winding up opponents, Ruddock famously took to flattening Eric Cantona's collar during a game between Liverpool and Manchester United - the fiery Frenchman pointing to 'le tunnel' and hoping to have it out with his burly nemesis after the game.
A no-nonsense defender with a cultured left foot, Ruddock was not averse to clumping forwards regularly and even cleaned out a linesman once in a clash against Arsenal at Upton Park.
Ruddock memorably wound up Gunners legend Patrick Vieira to such an extent back in 1999 that the Frenchman earned a six-match ban for trying to spit on the mouthy centre-back.
Playmaker verdict: It was never boring with Ruddock about! Perhaps more of a wind-up merchant than a true 'Hard Man'.
If we're talking about Upton Park tough nuts, we simply have to mention Julian Dicks.
Full-back Dicks had a dreamy left foot, but was an absolute nightmare for opposing wingers, who were liable to be unceremoniously dumped into the stands at the first opportunity. And every subsequent opportunity.
The shaven-headed defender picked up eight red cards and a whopping 112 bookings during his career and was an old-school hard man who would not give an inch.
Despite it commonly being thought that Dicks’ nickname of ‘The Terminator’ stemmed from his playing style, it actually relates to a career-threatening knee injury that the defender tried to play through back in 1990.
After finally following doctor's orders, Dicks underwent surgery and was initially told he may never be able to play football again, to which he is said to have replied: “I’ll be back.”
Playmaker verdict: Hard-as-nails. Even his testimonial was marred by a mass brawl!
We're changing tack here slightly, as we don't want our 'Enforcer' chat to focus solely on players - however talented - who could boot you into Row Z.
Welcome to the conversation, Virgil Van Dijk - the towering Liverpool centre-half who has taken the Merseysiders to another level since he arrived from Southampton for £75m in 2018.
The Dutchman may appear to be one of the most chilled and relaxed footballers on the planet, but he is definitely not to be trifled with.
An absolute monster in defence and attack, Van Dijk is a huge presence for the Reds and simply locks down forwards across the country week in, week out - the defender famously going 50 consecutive Premier League games without being dribbled past between March 2018 and August 2019.
No stranger to rough and tumble, former Watford centre-forward Troy Deeney perhaps said it best:
“I hate going up against him (Van Dijk).
“He's too big, too strong, too quick, too good on the ball, loves fighting, a good head of hair..."
Playmaker verdict: Seems a nice guy...but would you want to play against him??
Ok, we're back in the land of the strong, silent types who would kick their own granny to win a game of football. Welcome to the party, David Batty!
A very handy footballer who won the old First Division with Leeds and then the Premier League with Blackburn Rovers, Batty was a no-frills performer who could mix it with the best of them.
In fact, Batty could even mix it with players on his own team - famously scuffling with his team-mate Graeme Le Saux during his stint at Ewood Park.
A low-profile character, Batty shunned the limelight and, according to his former Newcastle and England colleague Alan Shearer, wasn't even too fussed about football!
"He could play, great touch, had a range of passing but I always had the impression with Batts that he didn't really love football," Shearer said on the BBC Match of the Day: Top 10 podcast.
"You could never accuse him of not giving his all because he always did. But he was the last into training and the first away."
Playmaker verdict: A tough, football-hating West Yorkshire version of Claude Makelele.
It's impossible to condense an entire career of being absolute nails into one paragraph, but we'll do our best for the legendary Mick Harford by playing a quick game of 'Mick Harford was so hard...'
Mick Harford was so hard that Vinnie Jones and John Fashanu bowed down to him when he joined Wimbledon, and allowed him to be the ONLY Dons player who didn't have to do an initiation during the 'Crazy Gang' era.
Mick Harford was so hard that Martin Keown had to have a nerve removed from a tooth after being smashed by the centre-forward.
Mick Harford was so hard that he left Sam Allardyce bloodied and bruised in revenge for a previous incident that left Harford needing 100 stitches in his face.
We'll call it a day there, as we don't want to paint the former Luton, Chelsea and Wimbledon forward as a thug - he was far more than that and an accomplished player, who was universally regarded as an absolute gentleman off the pitch.
However, Harford could certainly look after himself and put the fear of God into many a top flight defender.
Playmaker verdict: Harford once commented: "I haven’t got a face like this through playing one-twos on the edge of my own box." Enough said.
Any list of dominant 'Enforcer' types needs its villain, and former Chelsea centre-forward Diego Costa was a fabulous one!
Adored by his own team-mates and fans, Costa was the player every rival supporter loved to hate, the striker often involved in running battles with his opposite numbers during his time with the Blues.
Speaking in relation to the striker's all-out style, his Chelsea team-mate Eden Hazard said: “When you play with this guy, you have to give everything. You can see in every action and for every ball, he gives his life,", while former Man City midfielder Fernandinho highlighted Costa as his 'most difficult' opponent in the Premier League.
The fact Costa looked like the archetypal baddie in a Spaghetti Western only enhanced his reputation, and let's be clear, whatever mischief the Brazil-born Spanish international got up to invariably worked.
In total, Costa scored 52 goals in just 89 Premier League appearances for Chelsea winning one League Cup and two Premier League titles. Impressive.
Playmaker verdict: A pantomime villain who brought drama - and goals - to the Premier League.
The Frenchman's running battles with Roy Keane at the peak of Arsenal's rivalry with Manchester United in the late '90s and early Noughties were something to behold and etched into Premier League folklore.
Perhaps the zenith of the animosity between the pair came in a clash in the tunnel before a clash at Highbury in 2005, when Vieira squirted his water bottle at Keane, who uttered the immortal line "see you out on the pitch".
With his driving runs and technical quality, Vieira at his best was a force of nature and absolutely central to Arsene Wenger's 'Invincibles', who went the entire 2003/04 season unbeaten on their way to the Premier League title.
Although his competitive edge had a tendency to spill over, Vieira was a complete midfielder who could do the lot...
Playmaker verdict: A leader, a competitor, a winner...an enforcer!
With legs like tree trunks and a thousand yard stare, 'Psycho' was a formidable presence down Nottingham Forest and England's left flank throughout the 90s.
Low maintenance and low profile, Pearce kept himself to himself - but woe forbid anyone who crossed him. With a fantastic left-foot and bags of ability, Pearce was a tough competitor with the added bonus that he could really play.
Pearce's heart was worn firmly on his sleeve, as any England fan will know following his penalty heartbreak at World Cup 1990 and subsequent redemption in a shoot-out win over Spain at Euro 1996 when he roared 'Come on!!' to a packed Wembley after converting his spot-kick.
Musing on the role of aggression in the English game back in the 1980s and '90s, Pearce wrote in his book 'Never Stop Dreaming':
'“Are you motivated by love or hate when you play football and which is the more powerful?” Interesting question. If it were me, I would edge towards hate.’
Playmaker verdict: A braveheart of a full-back, who thundered into tackles.
There's a fantastic story about Hurlock that dates back to the eve of a clash between the midfielder's then club Millwall and the 'Crazy Gang' from across London in Wimbledon.
At the pub prior to the clash on a Saturday, Millwall's players met for a drink with their strikers Tony Cascarino and Teddy Sheringham teasing Hurlock and enquiring what he had planned for his midfield counterpart Vinnie Jones come match day.
Hurlock promptly got up and kicked a door off its hinges!
With his bespoke nickname of 'Terry Warlock', Hurlock was a proper handful who features in any decent countdown of midfield enforcers back in the 1980s and early 90s.
'Hard, but fair' is how Hurlock described himself as a player and he certainly wasn't one to resort to underhand or dirty tactics. Just full-blooded tackles that could be heard around the ground during a career that took in spells at Brentford, Reading, Millwall, Rangers and Southampton.
Playmaker verdict: He only played 32 Premier League games...but a true legend of the genre.
You knew he was coming, right? Almost synonymous with the term 'Midfield Enforcer', Roy Keane was the heart and soul of the Manchester United team that dominated English football for two decades under Sir Alex Ferguson.
Keane's aforementioned rivalry with Patrick Vieira is one of the most renowned in Premier League history, but in truth sparks flew whenever the Irishman was on the pitch - his drive and relentless intensity powering United to seven Premier Leagues and four FA Cups during his time at Old Trafford.
A snarling presence in the Red Devils' midfield, Keane was a superb player in his own right - dictating play and excelling both in defence and attack.
Flashpoints such as the horror challenge on Alf Inge Haaland in a Manchester derby in 2001 punctuated the Irishman's career, and his no-holds-barred approach to the game has spilled into the media lounge in his current work as a pundit.
Playmaker verdict: The greatest Premier League captain of all-time? Left an indellible imprint on the entire top flight (...'s shinpads).
'He comes from Serbia, he'll f**kin' murder ya!' So the song goes for former Manchester United centre-back Nemanja Vidic.
Although the Serb was the more accomplished footballer and physically more imposing than his predecessor, Vidic was cut from the same cloth as former Red Devils captain Steve Bruce - their noses both telling vivid tales regarding their commitment and bravery!
The last of a dying breed of out-and-out defensive warriors, Vidic was hellbent on winning duels by hook or by crook, former Arsenal forward Emmanuel Adebayor once stating "Vidic was the tough man, the nastiest, like running into a rock. He could block a striker with a single finger!"
A players' player and a leader, Robin Van Persie perhaps summed Vidic up best:
“Nemanja puts his head where other players are scared to put their feet."
Playmaker verdict: A warrior who you crossed at your peril.
If any Premier League footballer ever looked the part of an Enforcer, it was Dutch defender Jaap Stam.
With a poker face and a physique rippling with muscle, Stam was built like your proverbial brick outhouse and looked like he was thinking very violent thoughts on a very regular basis.
The amazing thing was that in addition to being incredibly intimidating, Stam was an absolutely exceptional defender who was more or less impossible to best in 1v1 situations: you couldn't really go past him, you had to go around him.
A colossal figure for Manchester United between 1998 and 2001, Stam was a man mountain for the Treble-winning side of 1999 - reminiscent in many ways of Van Dijk at Liverpool in the present day.
Playmaker verdict: Unflustered and ice-cool, Stam may have been understated - but was no less frightening for it!
We've feasted on some fantastic nicknames thus far, and 'Duncan Disorderly' is dining at the top table!
Sentenced to three months in prison in 1995 for headbutting an opponent when at Rangers, Duncan Ferguson is widely regarded as the most fearsome striker ever to gallop Premier League plains.
Unplayable in the air on his day, and with a 'good touch for a big man', Ferguson was a fine footballer, but it's hard not to associate him with the less savoury side of the game given how often he was gripping people up and throwing opponents to the floor!
Whether it be body-slamming Sol Campbell, elbowing Colin Hendry or wrestling with Martin Keown, Ferguson was always in the thick of the action - apart from on the eight occasions he received his Premier League marching orders.
Playmaker verdict: An absolute terror, Ferguson was as volatile as they come. Is he prime Enforcer material though?
After sifting through the pros and cons of this Motley Crew of Enforcers, Playmaker will whittle the field down to just four remaining candidates - with a Twitter poll deciding who wins the crown.
Trimming the field was a tough task, but the quartet of Enforcers striding into the public vote are:
Over to you, Playmaker followers!
💪 We invite you to vote for the #PL's greatest-ever 'Enforcer'...you don't want get on the wrong side of this one!
— playmakerstats (@playmaker_EN) June 29, 2022
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NameVincent Peter Jones Born/Age1965-01-05(59 -yrs-old) Nationality Wales England PositionMidfielder (Defensive Midfielder) / Midfielder (Centre Midfielder) | |
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